“They Used to Feed Me”

They used to be the place I could go to get fed without hesitation. Their table was always bountiful and their conversation was never about food or body. 

I started to see that my relationship with food was affecting my relationship with my children. 

They started to restrict their carbs. 

I started to stop binging at family get-togethers that I had restricted weeks for. 

They started to verbally justify their overeating at family get-togethers. 

I started bringing great tasting foods that were diverse in texture and flavor. 

They decided they were going to stop eating processed foods and carbs. 

I started to allow my children freedom with their food choices. 

They threw out their kids’ “sugar.”

I started to feed myself three meals and snacks. 

They wore how long they had fasted like a badge of honor. 

I started to see the intersectionality of restriction with trauma, mental health and racism.

They started to talk about which magnesium they were going to switch to. 

I started to love all the pieces of my body. 

They started to body check, even the teenagers. 

I started to hate going to family get-togethers. 

They used it as a platform to spread their indoctrination of wellness culture. 

I started to feel more compassion for myself.

They started to feel less.

I started to zoom out about why I originally started my restriction and over exercise. 

They zoomed in to what they could control in their lives. 

I was feeling a lot today as I wrote these thoughts down. I wanted these sentences to echo the utter sense of contrast that I was feeling. Holding contrasting views and feelings that do not have a clear answer is something that I have been able to do much better in a nourished state.