I never grew up with Oreos as a staple in my home. Starting in fourth grade, we had Snackwell’s oblong cookies as the diet culture replacement for Oreos. I remember my Aunt and friends had Oreos in their home and, given the chance, I would (and did) eat them till I was physically sick.

A couple of days ago we attended my son’s IEP meeting. The meeting itself is to determine what accommodations my son needs to support his learning as a student with anxiety, ADHD and dyslexia. I had no idea the emotional impact the meeting would have on me as a fat person.

I was feeling a lot today as I wrote these thoughts down. I wanted these sentences to echo the utter sense of contrast that I was feeling. Holding contrasting views and feelings that do not have a clear answer is something that I have been able to do much better in a nourished state.

I have struggled with all pants since I have stopped compulsively exercising and dieting. My body has changed and is continuing to change and shift. I often gravitate towards loose, drawstring pants but they often leave me feeling like I am covered in fabric and there is too much space between the fabric and me. Jeans are especially hard because they do tend to be fitted so they are the opposite side of the spectrum of the drawstring pants. I like the look of jeans aesthetically and wanted some more pairs for the upcoming fall.

“I chose a craft not made in my image” She said this as her mantra when speaking of her muscular, melanin rich body and the craft of ballet. I love watching dancers. They can use their body to convey meaning to their audience. I especially loved this Hot Chocolate Nutcracker special on Netflix because it was full of diverse body shapes and colors engaging in joyful movement.

If that title grabbed you right in the chest like a stolen breath of air… I get it. Used to do the same to me. As I sat next to my daughter tonight she told me that the neighborhood boys (her brother’s friends) had nicknamed me “Fat Mamma.” I rolled laughing and said but “I am fat and I love my fat body.” She smiled knowing that what was deemed an insult at her about me had no power over me. She drifted off to sleep in my arms and I sank into the most compassionate part of me… one that I always have space for related to children and my body.

It is scary to think about the fact that you cannot control your child’s weight. Scary to think that the body has a natural place it likes to be and does a great job at managing weight. But Is that the real fear though? That we cannot control their weight?